I need to stop coming to work sober
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
