i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
