the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize