I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
