he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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