just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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