i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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