My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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