did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
