Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
