Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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