I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
