my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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