Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
