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Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
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