Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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