closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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