I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
