I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
