Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
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I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
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I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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