dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
should my penis look like a turkey
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
