remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
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was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
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I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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