who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Is Oprah even human
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
