How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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