I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
