if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
