Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
