Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
