i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
