Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Sponge bath it is.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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