I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
