1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
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The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
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I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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