Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
