I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
