Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
