I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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