Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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