My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
