Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Dear god my vagina.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
