Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My ATM looks so different sober.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
