So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
