pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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