so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
meet me or not, i'm out of control
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
