Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
