I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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