two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
