What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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