someone get that fucking seahorse.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
