I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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