I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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