I have demons in me.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
