He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
