YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
