And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
