My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships