i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.