An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
