apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He did a backflip because drugs
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
