You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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