why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
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mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
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It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck