Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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